Today is March 6th. A random Wednesday. Late start for my kids at school today, I am not a fan of late start days as it throws off the entire morning. It’s also a Full Moon today. But it”s also a date to remind me how dramatically my life has changed in the last 3 years. It’s the date my husband of 18 years told me he was not in love with me, had not been for ‘awhile’ and that he wanted a divorce. In the parking lot across the street from Walgreens. Yes, a parking lot. Still a bit surreal. It’s the date that I fully believed 3 years ago was the absolute worst day of my life. And in that moment, it was. And like anyone in the throws of a heartbreak or life change that they didn’t ask for, didn’t see coming and didn’t want there is no way to see that in that moment of despair that life may just end up being better in the long run.
It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that it hit me that ‘March 6th’ was coming. That dreadful anniversary date that will always be. Yet, it’s not. Not at all . When I remembered oh that’s coming up, it was a feeling of how funny, I actually forgot about ‘that date.’ I simply was reminded because I read there was going to be a Full Moon on the 6th. And that’s what jogged my memory. It was surreal to know that I had almost forgotten the date had significance. That when I did remember the date I felt happy. I felt good. I didn’t feel a pit in my stomach. I literally felt grateful, in a way that is so hard to describe. But gratitude and a sense of relief is the sentiment now, just 3 years later.
I will always say, and in fact just said to someone else last week when discussing general marital struggles, I am not a believer in divorce as an answer. Marriage is hard by the way. For everyone. If anyone tries to tell you theirs is not, they are lying. Sorry, but they are. All that being said, I am beyond happy to be divorced. I realize this does not make sense, how can I not believe in divorce yet be happy to claim that title? Mostly, because in some cases it’s the only option left, but I believe there are many solutions beyond divorce but they are about the whole marriage. They are even about the dating phase, not just the marriage. It takes two to tango. In all situations. In all relationships. Period, end of story. It takes two to date. Two to decide to get married. Two to cause the breakdown of a marriage. One person is never solely to blame, ok unless of course it’s abuse, but I am adding that even though I hope we know that is a given. But in all relationships, it takes two people, doing their part to make a relationship respectful, trustworthy, enjoyable, passionate, kind, fun and healthy. It doesn’t matter how much we blame the other person, my husband and I spent years doing that, before and after the breakup, but it’s just not true. It takes 2.
With that being said, from my heart, I do not believe my ex husband is to blame for our divorce. That’s a big departure from year one and even year two. A happy and freeing departure I might add. I will never condone the last few years of lying, cheating, gaslighting, etc. Accepting responsibility is not condoning. It is not ok, it is damaging to everyone involved, the one lying, the ones being lied to, even extended family and friends who become affected as things blow up, which they always do. But I have forgiven him for those behaviors. They were not the whole marriage. And holding on to hate and blame gets us nowhere and nowhere fast. But know this, I forgave him for me. In fact I have more than forgiven him and every day I express gratitude to him in my daily practice. I thank him for the many years we had together. I thank him for my amazing 4 children that God blessed us with. There is a reason God brought us together and without a doubt it was to give us these 4 kids that I am so blessed to call mine. And then I thank him for telling me on March 6, 2016 that he wanted a divorce. The pain of that day and the days, weeks and months that followed is not a pain I wish on anyone. But that pain changed me. That pain propelled me into an absolute need and also hidden desire to get to know the real me. And she’s complicated no doubt. But there’s more to her than I think I ever knew and getting to know her has been quite a ride, one I am still joyfully on.
With all the good and the bad, I wouldn’t change the journey over the last 3 years. It is all part of the process. If you are reading this and you’re in the middle of severe hurting, it will be hard for you to hear me say you are going to be ok. I read blog after blog after blog back then. The ones I kept reading were the ones that told me your marriage will survive, you are meant to fix your marriage, God hates divorce and here is how you will fix it. I hated blogs like this one, the one I am writing to you all right now. Yet there was truth in them. Truth that you will survive, you will be ok, you will even thrive once this is all said and done. Have faith my friend. Find YOU in the midst of all the chaos. Mourn how YOU mourn. There is no right or wrong way. People will judge. People will think you should mourn like they do. People will exit your life that you thought would be around forever. But that’s just as it’s meant to be. God is clearing the path for your greatness. For your future. For what’s meant to be for YOU.
I hope you find eventual peace and gratitude in your painful journey. I hope you find forgiveness in your heart. I hope you get to know yourself and know that only you can make you happy. The journey ahead can be one of beauty and love. Cherish every good and bad moment for its shaping you into the woman you are meant to be. Be brave my friends.